Responsibility from a Different Window

John Bellanti, EdD, PCC and Marie A. Mastria, PHD, PCC

"Responsibility" is one of those words that has become loaded with negative meaning. "Take responsibility for your actions!" implies that you are not, and need to be reprimanded and set straight. Most often, when responsibility is discussed in conversation, we find ourselves annoyed, embarrassed, feeling guilty or feeling self-righteous.

Time to take a second look at this word and make conceptual, attitudinal, and behavioral changes that will benefit us. Responsibility has nested within it three different meanings: choice, ownership, and action.

Embedded in "responsibility" are the words "response" and "ability." We are able to respond. The ability to respond rather than react is highly correlated with awareness. To the degree we are aware of the choices we have or that we are making, we can be "response able." The greater the awareness, the easier it is to own our choices.

As adults, no one makes us think, feel, say, do, imagine, or believe anything we don't choose. No, the devil didn't make you do it, your spouse didn't make you angry, and the other driver didn't cause you to have an accident. Can you understand why defining responsibility in this way might be hard to accept at first?

If we try to blame others for our choices or take responsibility for the choices of others, we will surely find ourselves in trouble. However, others can influence us in ways that make it easier for us to respond in a certain way. But even then, it is important to remember that, still, we are the ones who make the choice. We are responsible for our actions, and that is different from being responsible to someone. Good to remember, too, that responsibility is always in the present, we cannot change yesterday.

Even though we can only be responsible in the present, we discover a paradox. Being responsible in the moment can change our past. Today becomes the yesterday of tomorrow. Responsible awareness not only changes what we attend to, it keeps us from becoming a prisoner of our past.

We quickly discover the opposite of the cliche, there can be no freedom without responsibility. In responsible awareness we discover the freedom that we have. It is no surprise that success correlates highly with taking action. We have greater power to change our lives in the direction we desire. This way of being in the world helps us to stay rooted in ourselves than rutted in the past.

Lloyd J. Thomas, in his newsletter, "Responsibility! Not Blame. Not Guilt., "writes about responsibility in practical terms:

Responsibility is not blaming anyone, including yourself, for anything
in your current situation.  Keep in mind that we never react to the
reality of a person or situation.  We react to our feelings and
interpretations of that person or situation.  When we feel emotionally
upset by another person or circumstance, it is our own feelings
responding to our own perceptions and interpretations of that person
or circumstance...not the reality of that person or circumstance as it
really exists outside our skin.

Things to think about when you are owning your choices:

1. We never experience the same thing in the same way twice. Focusing on what is different rather than what is the same leads to other way of responding.
   
   
2. How we respond to a problem is more important than the problem. Three different women got the same news that their husbands wanted a divorce. The first woman contemplated suicide. The second women began having fantasies about shooting him. The third women said "Fine, I shall find myself another husband." Problems can be perceived differently. The shift on perceiving enables you to respond differently to problems as they arise.
   
   
3. The next time you are feeling stuck, ask yourself what in the past have you done that worked for you? Focusing on solutions instead of on the problem yields different results.
   
   
4. If you could do anything you wanted and really believed that you could succeed, what would you do differently? Often we are stuck with the picture we developed of ourselves as we were growing up. The thought that we're not good students or not good at team sports may have been developed at age ten or fourteen and we never challenged that assessment again. But as we mature and our minds and bodies develop, those early assessments may no long be valid. We challenge you to reassess your skills and abilities yearly since you never stop growing and learning.
   
   

Dr. Bellanti and I have joined a new partnership. We will be writing, offering workshops and other services. I will keep you informed as we progress. Commuter-Assist will continue in the service of the commuter. Your reactions to this article are invited, as always.

Be well,

Dr. M.

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About Dr. Marie Mastria

Dr. Mastria is an author, consultant, psychologist and coach to those who wish to make life good. If you are seeking help with new beginnings or old habits that don't work any longer, you may reach her at 570-839-6394 or at drm@commuter-assist.com.
 

Dr. Mastria is founder of Commuter-Assist.com, which publishes e-books, CDs and cassettes to help commuters get the most out of their commute and life in general.  Dr. Mastria speaks, offers workshops, and consults to businesses.  She also provides life, wellness, and executive and business coaching to groups and individuals.  To contact Dr. Mastria email info@Commuter-Assist.com or call 570-839-6394. 

All content Copyright ? 2007, Dr. Marie A. Mastria, CLC, PCC / Commuter-Assist.com. All rights reserved. You may copy or send it to family or friends who may benefit from it so long as the format and credits are intact. You have permission to publish this article electronically, free of charge, as long as the by-lines are included and links are activated and maintained. A courtesy copy of your publication or link to website would be appreciated.